Originally written 12 Jan 2007 | Friday 7:58 PM
I was a teenager…
“I left my heart in Someone else’s hands. Then I decided to abandon it to be more sensible and safe.I only forgot to ask it back. Goodness, how foolish of me. My heart has been missing – I’m just now noticing this.I search and think in all the sensible spots, but it is not in reasonable places such as organized shelves or a labeled box. What an irrational state I must have been to leave my heart with Someone else for so long and then expect to find it when I remember to return for it, reclaiming my possession. Seems they dropped it not long after I handed it off. And if it was not dropped it was set down on purpose either due to its excessive weight, vexing presence, or rough edges. In any case, my heart was inessential. It has been forgotten. Even by me… but the last holder of my heart remains the holder until it is returned. This can’t be helped. It is something similar to a law of nature. Flowers bloom in the spring, this can’t be helped. You see?
My heart has been left in a wilderness and it is still beating – I know this because I have not ceased being. It is still possible that it may find a home, but only if it is returned to me else it be entrusted to any passerby that finds it in its lonely state and very lost location. It cannot be left out of the warmth of possession for long, the heart stops this way. With intentions of simply returning it, Someone is responsible for remembering where it was carelessly and irresponsibly ‘dropped.’ I carelessly and irresponsibly left it in Someone else’s hands and i learn… but I am not all to blame.I was asked to hand it over; asked to drop my guard just a bit. I was not mistaken or victim to misunderstanding, it is not wholly my fault. Yet I was allowed to apologize for giving what was asked of me as if it were a crime. The other sat idle and allowed me to cast myself down as if I had been a burden and not a pleasure.
There is no sign of Someone finding my heart, so I am off to sojourn through wild guesses, failed attempts, near success which prove to be even greater disappointments, and every unknown reach that becomes possible. I cannot let my heart stop, I will die this way. One day I want to love much.
I have met with desire. Desire assures me that it cannot exist as my companion without a beating heart to rest inside of. Heart, come back! Desire, meet with me! Passion, I cannot even speak of you yet…”